So recently (in the grand scheme of my life, I guess?) I posted about a real full-time job I was applying for.

Or so the ad said.

I don't feel bad revealing at this point that it was for an e-commerce editor position at Menards (AKA the most unprofessional company I have ever had the experience of dealing with). The ad said that they were looking for a full-time person to edit their website basically.

So I was super jacked and went to the interview... which, first of all, I was kept waiting for for... at least a half an hour.

Yes they were over a half an hour late interviewing me.

(*Well, back that soul train up, actually. There was one other super unprofessional thing that happened even before that. I don't remember if I mentioned in my other post about this... but they had a grammatical error on their website. They had something along the lines of "Working hard to bring you great prices everyday." I kindly pointed out to them, twice, that everyday as one word is an adjective which means ordinary, usual, etc.
Used in a sentence: "Menards is not your everyday terrible company; it's far worse!" Versus what they really meant, which was "every day," two words, which means each day. Used in a sentence: "Menards is so unprofessional that I drive ten blocks out of my way every day just to avoid shopping there!"

Anyway, that just proved how badly they needed me. But they left it like that for at least 3 weeks after I pointed it out to them. Regrettably, I don't think it's there anymore.)


ANYWAY. After the interview, which consisted of a bunch of questions that had almost nothing to do with the job posting, they told me they might (?) be turning the job, which again was listed as full-time, into an internship. And I was like, whatever.

They also told me I'd be hearing back in about a week or so.

So about a week or so passed and I called them. They said they hadn't made a decision yet and would call back by a certain date. I think this was around the end of December/beginning of January.

Since my current part-time job schedules about a month in advance, the time came for me to decide whether I wanted more hours there, and with no word from Menards, I said sure, because they are super short-handed right now, and I like money.

So THEN. Menards starts calling around checking my references more than a week after that. And I'm like fuck. And then, THEN, I hear back from them this past Monday. Like a month after I was initially supposed to.

And they say they made it into a full time internship that goes until April. When their website is done.

So they offered it to me, etc., but they expected me to drop my entire life for two months AND abandon the company I worked for with no notice just so they can get their website done. Basically, they seem to just be looking for a lackey.

I would like to note, that had they gotten back to me when they were actually supposed to, there would have been no problem. I could have kept both jobs and just told my current one I only wanted to work weekends. My life would have been wonderfulish.

But I ended up not taking the damn thing because quitting my job that has been good to me, losing that reference, and not having any assurance that I would have a job in 3 months just wasn't worth it.

Needless to say, my stepfather is irate. My dad tells me I made the right choice, which worries me greatly.

So I have no idea if I've done the right thing or not.
But I do know that Menards is the most unprofessional company I've ever had the misfortune of dealing with. (More so than Mcdonalds even. Buuuuuurn.)

Dear journalism gods,

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOUUUUUUUU!


Passed that capstone. YES.

So I've been working on and off in retail since I was 17 years old and I hate it as much as anyone else does if not more but not because of the customers, shitty wages blah blah blah. I typically just end up hating my coworkers.

I got hired seasonally in a shoe department and I really don't mind it except for some of the girls I work with who are really rude and conceited.

So Dear Stupid Spoiled Whores Who Work in the Shoe Department:

Just because you preface something with "no offense but" doesn't make it any less rude or bitchy of a thing to say. This one girl I work with (Koreen) likes to make these really bitchy comments about seasonal people right in front of them about how useless they are. "No offense but, I just don't see the point of seasonal people, since we [regular shoe people on commission] can't even trade shifts with them." "No offense but I think they hired waaaay too many seasonal people because I can't pick up more than X amount of hours anymore."

Alright, first of all, Whore, from what it sounds like, you just don't like seasonal people because they can't fulfill your every whim and don't fit in with your schedule. I'm guessing it probably worked out this way because the entire department store doesn't revolve around you. Second, stop your bitching, because you're a regular full time employee. That means you get FIRST DIBS on picking up shifts ADDITIONAL to your guaranteed number per week. Seasonal part time people get LAST DIBS on picking up hours. So you can complain all you want about how you only got 36 next week (waaaaaahhhhhhh) but I got 0 hours next week. ZERO. And I'm not even complaining because I don't want to look at your stupid whore face all day anyway.

Also, your opinions about how the store should be run (i.e. based on your own schedule)and "seasonal people" aren't really worth very much. You work full time in the shoe department. Get the fuck used to it. Some people are seasonal part time because they also go to school because they don't want to work in the shoe department for the rest of their lives like YOU, Koreen.

I may just be a part time seasonal shoe ringer, but I am also a grudge holder. If you want me to ring up the sales under your number, you do better to not be a cunt to me. Because I have no problem with giving the sale to someone else (or myself, even though I'm not even on commission) if you are going to be a whore about everything. So pretty much if you want to meet your sales goal when I'm working, don't piss me off or I will personally make sure it doesn't happen.

And lastly, go fuck yourselves.

Sincerely,

Me

So my dad posted a status on Facebook that said "Are all pick up lines bad?"

Naturally, though I am usually hesitant to comment on his statuses, I simply said "Yes."

Also naturally, my bitch stepmother said "No." I'm still convinced she did this just to be a bitch. So I got a little bitchy back with, "There, whichever one you used on her worked. So file that one away." (Should have added "for the next time she decides to leave you to fuck a doctor!")
And she said good point. All sarcastic-like, I'm sure. Clearly, I wasn't satisfied with that. Because I said, " Though my definition of 'worked' might be flawed... isn't the point of pick up lines to only get them to stay one night?"

And she was all like "I'm a huge bitch!"  "Wow! Then it must have really worked! 3,000 nights later..." (Does that count the ones when you were screwing a doctor or making my dad sleep in his truck? I consider that a bit of a hiatus.)

THEN she posted the best pick up lines she could find, I guess.
For your viewing pleasure, here they are. Bulleted. (I wish someone would bullet her.) And naturally, I am adding my own snide remarks that indicate what I would have MEANT if I  had said any of these things to her.

• Did you fart? Because you just blew me away
  ...Okay, I lied, I don't have any commentary about this. I am speechless.
  

• You must be in a wrong place - the Miss Universe contest is over there.
  You have no brains at all, but great work on the plastic surgery!
  
• Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
  Meaning: You are fat. Or your presence ruins California. One of the two.
  
•  I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true
  Meaning: If I had access to magic, I might be able to fix you completely. Since I don't... well hey, I could probably spring for some more liposuction.
  
• Are you a magnet cuz im attracted to you
  AGAINST MY WILL! HEEEEELLLLPPPPPPP!
  
• Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
  
• I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.
  ...And get this over with as quickly as possible.
  
• I know its not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready.
  So get the hell away from me and go find him.
  
• Baby your like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems
  This is just completely misguided. Math books only provide you with problems, they don't actually solve them. So really, she's like a math book and my dad has to solve all the problems himself.
  
• Your body is a wonderland and i want to be Alice.
  ...only I'm not, I am the Mad Hatter.
  
• If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
  If this bar abruptly turns into a meat market, you've probably been drinking too much. If my stepmother is the prime rid at said bar, it's either a really shitty bar and you should stop going there, or you've DEFINITELY been drinking too much.
  
• If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
  ...And fling you as far away from my body as possible.
  

I would also like to add: "If you got a haircut, you'd be best in show." I don't know why.

But I gave up and ended with "Wow, you sure showed me." After she posted her list.

I hate her with every fiber of my being. As you will see if you read the tags. That is all.

Ash Ketchum

Pallet Town

06/27/11

To whom it may concern;

Recently, I was informed that McDonald's restaurants are currently using Pokemon toys to promote the sale of Happy Meals™. I think this is a grave injustice, and the implication that people who like Pokemon would also enjoy eating at McDonald's is a cruel insult to Pokemon masters everywhere.

Having worked in your restaurant under the command of several insanity-provoking Nazi-esque people in blue, I feel that it is my duty to inform you that Pokemon, a true paradigm of wonder and joy, as well as a miraculous gift from the heavens above, does not belong in so cruel and unhappy a place as McDonald's. This is clearly a grievous error on someone's part, and I am wondering how much money you offered, and/or how many atom bombs you threatened Japan with to get the rights to the Pokemon toys.

Sincerely,

Ash Ketchum

Pokemon Master

Former McDonald's employee

As a disclaimer: This blog will make me sound like a cat lady. I am not a cat lady. Yet.
If I for some reason become barren or boyfriend dies early... well, no promises.

Anyway. My cat died last September. We had been together since I was 8. So... going on 13 years? And my Walter baby pretty much meant the world to me. I haven't felt quite right ever since then. Strange, I know.

And I've been waffling around with other pets. We had mice, briefly. Not going down that road again. We have a gecko, a tarantula, some fish. We had tree frogs. (Which someone killed along with 2 of my betta fish because he keeps the room too cold. Not to name any names...)

But blah. None of it is really the same as having a cat or dog.

This is going to sound weird and all ... but I've been really hesitant about getting another cat.

I'm vaguely afraid it won't love me at all (that's ridiculous?) or that it will love Alex more (not... that ridiculous?)... but regardless, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it won't be the same because it's not the cat I grew up with.

Which is super depressing.

We are going to pick up our kitty tomorrow. He is 6 months old.
I feel pretty guilty about the whole thing, and kind of nervous, and sad. But also excited to have some company and have something to stroke lovingly while I freak out about everything it is possible to freak out about.

So. IDK. Hopefully this goes well.

So I recently got a job at a candy shop in the mall near me. Its walls are completely lined with stuffed animals and I love it to pieces.

Today was my first day of training and I absolutely love it!

My manager is awesome. (She's a little weird, totally laid back, and says "fuck" occasionally. And hates on the creepers in the mall and the silly kids in prom dresses.)

The coworker I met is cool. "People who aren't weird don't last long here." -her.

Part of my training was sampling all of the candy.

I get a 20% discount on the stuffed animals and candy. :D

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm so happy!

For my spring break entertainment, I've mostly been watching low-budget scary movies, courtesy of Netflix's free one month trial.

And every time I am still baffled by the stupidity of the characters (and plotlines, but who's counting.) Considering how many scary movies I have seen and the fact that I am still alive, I am clearly an expert on not dying. Therefore, I feel I am qualified to advise you all on how to not die.

So firstly, I would like to paste the original Top 10 Rules for Not Dying, which not surprisingly, still apply.

1.) If the house tells you to leave, leave.
2.) If your comrade doesn't answer you the first time, (s)he's not going to. (s)he's probably dead. Run, run for your life.
3.) If someone starts to come out of your t.v., do NOT walk up to it to turn it off. Use the remote. Or better yet, run. Run for your life, blondie. In addition, if it won't turn off using the remote, panel on the t.v., or when you unplug it, there is nothing wrong with your t.v. per se. It's probably the ghost of an abused child. After the third time you should probably stop trying to turn it off. ...At this point, the electricity bill is the least of your worries. (The Ring)
4.) If you find that your stairs are dissolving/disappearing... try not to go up them when they are there. Allow yourself the maximum amount of possible escape routes unless you plan to jump out the window. (The Messengers)
5.) If all your friends are dying... it's probably not an accident. (One Missed Call, Pulse, etc.)
6.) Heed the ghost stories that old men/other people/whoever tell you. Ex: if you've heard that after you watch the video that the phone will ring.. if you've just watched the video and the phone rings... you should probably let voicemail pick this one up.
7.) Do not under any circumstance take a job if someone has died doing it. If the circumstances seem a little iffy... you should probably find some other catatonic woman to look after. (The Grudge)
8.)Don't ever assume it's the medication you're on.
9.) Use the buddy system!! it's harder for a ghostie to sneak up on you if you have 2 paranoid people on the watch!
10.) And last but not least, if a ghost is violently following you, CLEARLY they are just trying to warn you in a friendly manner. Like Casper, only with flies coming out of its eye sockets. So if you really want to, you can skip it and just divorce your new husband right away. (Shutter)

Based on what I've seen lately, I would like to amend:

11.)Every man for himself.  Man down? Leave him. Whenever you find yourself being chased by a dead, undead, or otherwise bloodthirsty creature, ask yourself this question: do you feel like dying today?
If you answered no, abandon your whiny, wheelchair-bound autistic child or slutty comrade who stops to bang everyone. Because the elevators aren't going to be working any time soon and high school relationships aren't meant to last anyway. If nothing else, you might be alive to regret it later.
If you answered yes, take pride in knowing you will be the most moral person to be ripped apart today.

12.) In a conundrum? Try thinking about it. Are you trespassing? Have you killed anyone today? Did you say "Candyman" five times while looking in a mirror or release a demon from the underworld? Retrace your steps. That way,  you won't be surprised when the ghosts of the retarded children from that bus you drove off a cliff come to haunt you on Halloween.

13.) If a knife doesn't kill it, a gun probably won't either. If a gun doesn't kill it, your fists, legs, and teeth most assuredly will not.

14.) If you're already chained to a bed, don't bite the crazy doctor. You will end up being the middle of the human centipede. If he's holding a scalpel, try to look up how to say "I would love to participate, provided you don't sew my mouth to anyone's asshole" in the German phrasebook.

15.) Moving is usually a good solution. Flesh-eating bacteria running rampant in your town? Move. Poltergeist in your TV? Move. Walls ooze blood? Move. Just don't advertise any of that when trying to sell the house. Being a philanthropist never helps.

16.) If all else fails, revert to child-like defense mechanisms. Don't open the door. Don't talk to strangers. Run. Hide. Listen to your mother unless she's trying to push you down a well. Sleep with the lights on.

17.) If you didn't leave the blinds open and the blinds are open, it's safe to assume there is someone or something else in the house. 

18.) Weird, inexplicable goings-on in your neighborhood/hospital/elevator? Save everyone a lot of trouble and assume it's supernatural right away. Also, places to avoid: Insane asylums, wax museums, fun houses/amusement parks, anywhere that may have or involve needles in any way, "deserted" islands, "deserted" anything, a house in the middle of the woods, a cabin in the middle of the woods, caves, the space underneath your bed.

19.) Never sleep in the same room as a life-size clown doll. Come on. Has it ever done anyone any good?

20.) And lastly, trust no one. This includes, but is not limited to: hitchhikers, your stepmother/father/sister, tour guides, orphans, deaf people, hookers, clowns, doctors, and little old ladies.

So, there you have it. Whether you're in an elevator with the devil or considering accepting a ride home from an overly friendly stranger, you now have the tools to survive. Unless you're a slutty chick or a black guy, in which case, you should assume you're going to die first and save everyone some time.