Thursday, 17 January 2013
So recently (in the grand scheme of my life, I guess?) I posted about a real full-time job I was applying for.
Or so the ad said.
I don't feel bad revealing at this point that it was for an e-commerce editor position at Menards (AKA the most unprofessional company I have ever had the experience of dealing with). The ad said that they were looking for a full-time person to edit their website basically.
So I was super jacked and went to the interview... which, first of all, I was kept waiting for for... at least a half an hour.
Yes they were over a half an hour late interviewing me.
(*Well, back that soul train up, actually. There was one other super unprofessional thing that happened even before that. I don't remember if I mentioned in my other post about this... but they had a grammatical error on their website. They had something along the lines of "Working hard to bring you great prices everyday." I kindly pointed out to them, twice, that everyday as one word is an adjective which means ordinary, usual, etc.
Used in a sentence: "Menards is not your everyday terrible company; it's far worse!" Versus what they really meant, which was "every day," two words, which means each day. Used in a sentence: "Menards is so unprofessional that I drive ten blocks out of my way every day just to avoid shopping there!"
Anyway, that just proved how badly they needed me. But they left it like that for at least 3 weeks after I pointed it out to them. Regrettably, I don't think it's there anymore.)
ANYWAY. After the interview, which consisted of a bunch of questions that had almost nothing to do with the job posting, they told me they might (?) be turning the job, which again was listed as full-time, into an internship. And I was like, whatever.
They also told me I'd be hearing back in about a week or so.
So about a week or so passed and I called them. They said they hadn't made a decision yet and would call back by a certain date. I think this was around the end of December/beginning of January.
Since my current part-time job schedules about a month in advance, the time came for me to decide whether I wanted more hours there, and with no word from Menards, I said sure, because they are super short-handed right now, and I like money.
So THEN. Menards starts calling around checking my references more than a week after that. And I'm like fuck. And then, THEN, I hear back from them this past Monday. Like a month after I was initially supposed to.
And they say they made it into a full time internship that goes until April. When their website is done.
So they offered it to me, etc., but they expected me to drop my entire life for two months AND abandon the company I worked for with no notice just so they can get their website done. Basically, they seem to just be looking for a lackey.
I would like to note, that had they gotten back to me when they were actually supposed to, there would have been no problem. I could have kept both jobs and just told my current one I only wanted to work weekends. My life would have been wonderfulish.
But I ended up not taking the damn thing because quitting my job that has been good to me, losing that reference, and not having any assurance that I would have a job in 3 months just wasn't worth it.
Needless to say, my stepfather is irate. My dad tells me I made the right choice, which worries me greatly.
So I have no idea if I've done the right thing or not.
But I do know that Menards is the most unprofessional company I've ever had the misfortune of dealing with. (More so than Mcdonalds even. Buuuuuurn.)
Tuesday, 04 December 2012
Well well well well well.
Guess who has her very first big important adult job interview tomorrow?
I don't want to jinx it, so I won't say what it is or anything like that.
But I just have to say that I feel like such an adult. Or wannabe adult would be more accurate I guess.
I feel like I'm getting old so fast. Though what a tired refrain, since it seems like everyone feels that way. (Including my 9- and 11-year-old brothers who both have laptops now. Which is ridiculous by the way.)
I do keep thinking about stupid mortality. Which is silly of 23-year-old me. I shouldn't be complaining about being old. I don't even know how to crochet.
Anyway. That's where I'm at.
I'm mostly just posting this for luck.
Friday, 18 May 2012
Thursday, 03 May 2012
Are you there, journalism gods? It's me, Lindsey.
Today, I stand poised to turn in my portfolio for my journalism capstone.
If you haven't been paying attention, let's recap. I've spent four miserable years completing a major I realize I can't possibly have any future in if I want to live a happy life.
But I am persistent. So I've struggled through it, knowing that so many other people get a degree in something and get jobs that have absolutely nothing to do with it. (Otherwise, how would philosophy majors ever have jobs?)
So please, journalism gods, see fit in your hearts or agendas or whatever it is you have and let me pass my capstone so that I can have a happy next semester, and indeed, a happier life.
Here's to hoping you want to get rid of me as badly as my adviser (also hopefully) does.
If you can't supply me with a miracle (AKA a passing grade), could you please arrange a fatal accident? You can write an article about it afterwards.
Saturday, 17 December 2011
So I've been working on and off in retail since I was 17 years old and I hate it as much as anyone else does if not more but not because of the customers, shitty wages blah blah blah. I typically just end up hating my coworkers.
I got hired seasonally in a shoe department and I really don't mind it except for some of the girls I work with who are really rude and conceited.
So Dear Stupid Spoiled Whores Who Work in the Shoe Department:
Just because you preface something with "no offense but" doesn't make it any less rude or bitchy of a thing to say. This one girl I work with (Koreen) likes to make these really bitchy comments about seasonal people right in front of them about how useless they are. "No offense but, I just don't see the point of seasonal people, since we [regular shoe people on commission] can't even trade shifts with them." "No offense but I think they hired waaaay too many seasonal people because I can't pick up more than X amount of hours anymore."
Alright, first of all, Whore, from what it sounds like, you just don't like seasonal people because they can't fulfill your every whim and don't fit in with your schedule. I'm guessing it probably worked out this way because the entire department store doesn't revolve around you. Second, stop your bitching, because you're a regular full time employee. That means you get FIRST DIBS on picking up shifts ADDITIONAL to your guaranteed number per week. Seasonal part time people get LAST DIBS on picking up hours. So you can complain all you want about how you only got 36 next week (waaaaaahhhhhhh) but I got 0 hours next week. ZERO. And I'm not even complaining because I don't want to look at your stupid whore face all day anyway.
Also, your opinions about how the store should be run (i.e. based on your own schedule)and "seasonal people" aren't really worth very much. You work full time in the shoe department. Get the fuck used to it. Some people are seasonal part time because they also go to school because they don't want to work in the shoe department for the rest of their lives like YOU, Koreen.
I may just be a part time seasonal shoe ringer, but I am also a grudge holder. If you want me to ring up the sales under your number, you do better to not be a cunt to me. Because I have no problem with giving the sale to someone else (or myself, even though I'm not even on commission) if you are going to be a whore about everything. So pretty much if you want to meet your sales goal when I'm working, don't piss me off or I will personally make sure it doesn't happen.
And lastly, go fuck yourselves.
Wednesday, 03 August 2011
People need to learn appropriate use of the word "ma'am." Seriously.
I know it's meant as a term of "respect," but I definitely don't feel that people who are considerably older than me, the same age as me, or only slightly younger than me should be "respecting" me in this way.
It'd be like me going up to a 10 year old girl like, "Excuse me ma'am, if you could please stop throwing the balls out of the Play Place... that would be ideal. Thank you, ma'am."
Also, whenever I think of a ma'am, I think of a saggy old woman.
Google image "ma'am." See what you get.
That's right, you get this:
Do I look like this? Sweet mother of Mary and Joseph and all the camels of Bethlehem I hope not.
But that's not quite being technical. If we're being technical you people are STILL using it improperly.
"ma'amalso maam, 1660s, colloquial shortening of madam (q.v.). Formerly the ordinary respectful form of address to a married woman; later restricted to the queen, royal princesses, or by servants to their mistresses."
A. I'm not a married woman. B. If you want to let me be in charge of a country... well, firstly that is your mistake, and secondly, fine, if you give me a country, you can call me ma'am, I suppose.
I am going to refer to anyone who calls me ma'am as "great grandmother." Effective immediately.
Monday, 11 July 2011
So my dad posted a status on Facebook that said "Are all pick up lines bad?"
Naturally, though I am usually hesitant to comment on his statuses, I simply said "Yes."
Also naturally, my bitch stepmother said "No." I'm still convinced she did this just to be a bitch. So I got a little bitchy back with, "There, whichever one you used on her worked. So file that one away." (Should have added "for the next time she decides to leave you to fuck a doctor!")
And she said good point. All sarcastic-like, I'm sure. Clearly, I wasn't satisfied with that. Because I said, " Though my definition of 'worked' might be flawed... isn't the point of pick up lines to only get them to stay one night?"
And she was all like "I'm a huge bitch!" "Wow! Then it must have really worked! 3,000 nights later..." (Does that count the ones when you were screwing a doctor or making my dad sleep in his truck? I consider that a bit of a hiatus.)
THEN she posted the best pick up lines she could find, I guess.
For your viewing pleasure, here they are. Bulleted. (I wish someone would bullet her.) And naturally, I am adding my own snide remarks that indicate what I would have MEANT if I had said any of these things to her.
- Did you fart? Because you just blew me away
...Okay, I lied, I don't have any commentary about this. I am speechless.
- You must be in a wrong place - the Miss Universe contest is over there.
You have no brains at all, but great work on the plastic surgery!
- Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
Meaning: You are fat. Or your presence ruins California. One of the two.
- I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true
Meaning: If I had access to magic, I might be able to fix you completely. Since I don't... well hey, I could probably spring for some more liposuction.
- Are you a magnet cuz im attracted to you
AGAINST MY WILL! HEEEEELLLLPPPPPPP!
- Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
- I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.
...And get this over with as quickly as possible.
- I know its not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready.
So get the hell away from me and go find him.
- Baby your like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems
This is just completely misguided. Math books only provide you with problems, they don't actually solve them. So really, she's like a math book and my dad has to solve all the problems himself.
- Your body is a wonderland and i want to be Alice.
...only I'm not, I am the Mad Hatter.
- If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
If this bar abruptly turns into a meat market, you've probably been drinking too much. If my stepmother is the prime rid at said bar, it's either a really shitty bar and you should stop going there, or you've DEFINITELY been drinking too much.
- If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
...And fling you as far away from my body as possible.
I would also like to add: "If you got a haircut, you'd be best in show." I don't know why.
But I gave up and ended with "Wow, you sure showed me." After she posted her list.
I hate her with every fiber of my being. As you will see if you read the tags. That is all.
- Did you fart? Because you just blew me away
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
In this day and age, what isn't a bunch of bullshit?
Pretty much the way modern society is structured is a bunch of bullshit. So, basically, is the world, which clearly hinges on society.
I'll admit I've never really enjoyed the way school systems handle things, but they hadn't really caused much trouble for me before last fall... but now the shitty way things are run has the potential to ruin my life a little more. So, cool.
APPARENTLY, as I found out today, the school cuts you off after $31,000.
So... at $7000some per semester, that's roughly 4 semesters. Plus one summer semester, if you're me. The thing is... they don't really make it clear to you beforehand that you won't be able to take out loans to cover college.
So how the fuck are you supposed to pay for college if they won't give you enough loans? And how, if you don't know that you're getting cut off and have already taken out the maximum amount of student loans, are you supposed to graduate, get a good job, and pay off the loans you have already accumulated?
Seems impossible right?
That's because it basically is.
So if you're stupid and rich, you can go to college and get richer. But if you're intelligent but poor... well, too bad.
What a bunch of complete and total bullshit.
So, I'm adding school systems to my list of things that are poorly run and stupid. Right under the American government, which technically has quite a hand in student loans.
Now, I don't even know what's going to happen to me or whether I can go to school and finish up my degree. SUPER.
Monday, 27 June 2011
To whom it may concern;
Recently, I was informed that McDonald's restaurants are currently using Pokemon toys to promote the sale of Happy Meals™. I think this is a grave injustice, and the implication that people who like Pokemon would also enjoy eating at McDonald's is a cruel insult to Pokemon masters everywhere.
Having worked in your restaurant under the command of several insanity-provoking Nazi-esque people in blue, I feel that it is my duty to inform you that Pokemon, a true paradigm of wonder and joy, as well as a miraculous gift from the heavens above, does not belong in so cruel and unhappy a place as McDonald's. This is clearly a grievous error on someone's part, and I am wondering how much money you offered, and/or how many atom bombs you threatened Japan with to get the rights to the Pokemon toys.
Former McDonald's employee
If you know me, you likely know that I love Pokemon above all other animals with magical powers that could destroy humanity but instead focus on being adorable and listening to complete retards. Srsly, if I could pick one set of fictional creatures to help me enslave the planet, it would be Pokemon.
I was shocked and horrified this morning upon finding out that McDonalds, whose food I would not eat even if I were being tortured/starved in a concentration camp or stranded on a deserted island or lost in the desert (strictly on principle), has Pokemon toys now.
If you're not a regular follower of my saga, let me just fill you in on my pure and malicious gut-wrenching, soul-devouring, all-consuming hatred of McShit: I fucking hate it. There.
As a child, my parents used to shut me up by shoving chicken nuggets down my throat just like everyone else's parents did to them. And then last year, in a fit of desperation in the horrible economy and the desire to sign a lease and a need to start saving money, I got a job there.
This lasted from late October through early March. (Side note: IRONICALLY, I quit the day before Pokemon Black and White came out.) That's four full months. Four months longer than anyone should reasonably be expected to work at McSlave. Because they treat their employees horribly and have the most ASININE policies that I never cared to abide by, granted... but were asinine nonetheless.
Anyway, when they bitched at me for the shoes I was wearing on March 5, I had finally had it. So I quit.
And now, the bastards have Pokemon toys. Granted they are far inferior to the Pokemon toys Burger King had in the '90s, but goddammit how dare they try to sully something I love so much.
What's next? Serial killer trading cards? How dare they. How. Dare. They.
Even if they picked some of the shittiest Pokemon from the game (presumably to match their shitty company policies and food)...
If I would have been inside a Fucking McRestaurant when I found this out, I would have absorbed all of the evil fire from hell and shot it out my mouth while the flesh from my face melted into a pool of pure liquid hatred that burned holes through their floor. But as I was not in a Fucking McRestaurant at the time, I just glared, maliciously.
Then I forgot about it. But now I remembered and am glaring again. Also maliciously.
I must get revenge. I know. I'll write an angry letter. Then, I will send it.
Tuesday, 07 June 2011
As a disclaimer: This blog will make me sound like a cat lady. I am not a cat lady. Yet.
If I for some reason become barren or boyfriend dies early... well, no promises.
Anyway. My cat died last September. We had been together since I was 8. So... going on 13 years? And my Walter baby pretty much meant the world to me. I haven't felt quite right ever since then. Strange, I know.
And I've been waffling around with other pets. We had mice, briefly. Not going down that road again. We have a gecko, a tarantula, some fish. We had tree frogs. (Which someone killed along with 2 of my betta fish because he keeps the room too cold. Not to name any names...)
But blah. None of it is really the same as having a cat or dog.
This is going to sound weird and all ... but I've been really hesitant about getting another cat.
I'm vaguely afraid it won't love me at all (that's ridiculous?) or that it will love Alex more (not... that ridiculous?)... but regardless, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it won't be the same because it's not the cat I grew up with.
Which is super depressing.
We are going to pick up our kitty tomorrow. He is 6 months old.
I feel pretty guilty about the whole thing, and kind of nervous, and sad. But also excited to have some company and have something to stroke lovingly while I freak out about everything it is possible to freak out about.
So. IDK. Hopefully this goes well.
Monday, 06 June 2011
So I've been extremely bored lately. I only get 2-3 shifts per week at the candy shop and my boyfriend works like 5 days out of the week. And only like 2 of my friends are here this summer.
So needless to say, I've been sitting around watching movies and whatever vacuous bullshit nonsense MTV can dredge up.
In a fit of desperation, I've tried Googling "things to do when you are bored."
Super fail. There was one site that said time travel, create a new world, and have a cultural heritage block party. Then I went to this site, which was supposedly, scarily, specifically for adults. Here are some of the things it suggests:
7. Hang out with old people. They have great stories and sometimes need the company.
Because that's not creepy. Hello... you don't know me but... I'm bored and you're old. Please tell me a story about the origin of each of your liver spots.
17. Google everyone you knew in high school.
I'm bored, but I'm not THAT bored.
21. Be someone else for a few hours. Put on a hat, fake beard and eyeglasses and walk around town.
I'm pretty sure if I put on a fake beard and walked around town it would make people uncomfortable.
38. Get yourself a fake buddy.
Is this site honestly encouraging me to create an imaginary friend?
42. Cut out photos and paste them on Popsicle sticks. Have a puppet show.
???????? What adult would honestly even consider this?
49. Watch kids play – and then join in.
...Bored? Go practice being a pedophile.
65. Write a one-sentence story.
Once upon a time, there was a princess, and she died of malaria. Done.
101. Make a list. (Maybe a list of things to do when you’re bored!)
So that's what I'm gonna do. Right now. I'm gonna make a ridiculous list of things to do when you're bored. Things that are either impossible, totally obvious, or that no one with any dignity would do unless he was stoned.
Things to do when you're so bored you've lost your mind
1. Dress up in your oldest, crappiest clothes. Gather some cardboard and markers and make a sign. Go stand on the busiest corner in your city and pretend to be a homeless person. Spend the money you earn on booze, just like a real homeless person would.
2. Go to Goodwill or Savers and get some stuff that looks like it has some good stories behind it. Volunteer at a retirement home. Try to convince the people with Alzheimer's or some other form of dementia that this stuff is really theirs and tell them the stories behind the items.
3. Try to get a stranger to get you pregnant. Then you will have a baby to play with later.
4. Acquire a fatal disease. You will have plenty to do when you're trying to get rid of it later.
5. Prepare a five course meal. Cry as you eat it alone later.
6. Rent a white van and dress up in a costume. Tell the neighborhood children you have puppies in the back and make a tally of how many children actually get in your van. If you get caught, tell the parents that you were just trying to test their kids' sense of judgment regarding stranger danger.
7. Come up with a new slang term for every race and religion. Test out your new vocabulary by writing a letter to a person of that race/religion.
8. Try cocaine.Text everyone you know and see how they react to your drugged up self.
9. Perform random acts of kindness. Try buying alcohol for children. They are unable to buy it themselves and will really appreciate it.
10. Take up a new hobby. Learn to crochet, hotwire a car, or bake.
11. Write down all the things you hate about everyone you know.
12. Call your mom or a close friend and say you're in jail and need to be picked up. Be really convincing. Right before the person is about to leave, say you were joking.
13. Find a cause you don't support. Start a riot.
14. Listen to music you don't like. You might be pleasantly surprised. If you still don't like it, get a power drill and drill through your right temporal lobe and time how long it takes for the music to stop.
15. Make a thick water-sugar concoction. Cover your body in it and lay outside. See how many insects you attract in 4 hours.
16. Buy a cat. If it looks at you funny because it knows you don't have any friends, explain to it that you guys have each other and you don't need anyone else. When it inevitably runs away, design your own missing cat posters and put them up. You can do this even if you don't have a cat. That way, you might even get a free cat.
17. Set up a fake profile on an online dating site. Try using a photo of an attractive person that you find on Google. See how many people you can get to fall in love with you before telling them you're actually a horribly disfigured mutant with a heart of gold.
18. Count the tiles on your ceiling. If you're looking at this list, you obviously don't have anything else to do.
19. Eat something you're allergic to. Try to wean yourself off of being allergic. Monitor how long it takes.
20. Renounce your faith. Take up a new religion. If you're an atheist, try praying to something that is actually there, like the sofa.
21. Set up an obstacle course in your backyard. Find a person with one leg and challenge him to a race.So there you go, 21 things you can do IRL to be less bored.
Saturday, 30 April 2011
So I recently got a job at a candy shop in the mall near me. Its walls are completely lined with stuffed animals and I love it to pieces.
Today was my first day of training and I absolutely love it!
My manager is awesome. (She's a little weird, totally laid back, and says "fuck" occasionally. And hates on the creepers in the mall and the silly kids in prom dresses.)
The coworker I met is cool. "People who aren't weird don't last long here." -her.
Part of my training was sampling all of the candy.
I get a 20% discount on the stuffed animals and candy. :D
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm so happy!
Saturday, 09 April 2011
So... I am still stuck in a rut as far as finding a job goes. I think I'm going to start sarcastically applying for jobs.
For example, I found this job description on my school's job board. And was like that might work... up until I read the part about fine dining establishments...
Location Funding Hours / Week Pay Rate Start Date Off Campus Outside pay 20-40 3.00 04/20/2011 Company/Department: Eau Claire Golf and Country Club
Looking for server/bartender positions with part to full time hours. Must have open availability for the summer and have experience in fine dining establishment.
I'm thinking the cover letter would have to include "The only experience I have working for a fine dining establishment is McDonalds and a sports bar. But I'm classy, god dammit.
P.S. Can we renegotiate about the start date? I plan to be indisposed on 4/20."
I've also applied at a flower shop (on the grounds that, having been a bar tender, I am very good at pouring things, and therefore would be a very good plant waterer... as long as it's not a cactus.)
And I applied at Eddie Bauer, which is hilarious, because their clothes are heinous. ... Very good interview, didn't get hired. They must have spotted that I am not exactly the hiking in the mountains type and the only tents I help to put up are pitched in creepers' pants. Also, I think they were looking for a lesbian. Not to mention, I showed up wearing a blaizer.
I only just recently got done applying at a coffee shop (which is a place I would legitimately want to work.) but... I had to write a cover letter describing my love of coffee, which more than likely made me sound like a total creeper. Should have just written "Love coffee. Makes you poop. See resume."
Fuckin' job market.
Sunday, 27 March 2011
For my spring break entertainment, I've mostly been watching low-budget scary movies, courtesy of Netflix's free one month trial.
And every time I am still baffled by the stupidity of the characters (and plotlines, but who's counting.) Considering how many scary movies I have seen and the fact that I am still alive, I am clearly an expert on not dying. Therefore, I feel I am qualified to advise you all on how to not die.
So firstly, I would like to paste the original Top 10 Rules for Not Dying, which not surprisingly, still apply.
1.) If the house tells you to leave, leave.
2.) If your comrade doesn't answer you the first time, (s)he's not going to. (s)he's probably dead. Run, run for your life.
3.) If someone starts to come out of your t.v., do NOT walk up to it to turn it off. Use the remote. Or better yet, run. Run for your life, blondie. In addition, if it won't turn off using the remote, panel on the t.v., or when you unplug it, there is nothing wrong with your t.v. per se. It's probably the ghost of an abused child. After the third time you should probably stop trying to turn it off. ...At this point, the electricity bill is the least of your worries. (The Ring)
4.) If you find that your stairs are dissolving/disappearing... try not to go up them when they are there. Allow yourself the maximum amount of possible escape routes unless you plan to jump out the window. (The Messengers)
5.) If all your friends are dying... it's probably not an accident. (One Missed Call, Pulse, etc.)
6.) Heed the ghost stories that old men/other people/whoever tell you. Ex: if you've heard that after you watch the video that the phone will ring.. if you've just watched the video and the phone rings... you should probably let voicemail pick this one up.
7.) Do not under any circumstance take a job if someone has died doing it. If the circumstances seem a little iffy... you should probably find some other catatonic woman to look after. (The Grudge)
8.)Don't ever assume it's the medication you're on.
9.) Use the buddy system!! it's harder for a ghostie to sneak up on you if you have 2 paranoid people on the watch!
10.) And last but not least, if a ghost is violently following you, CLEARLY they are just trying to warn you in a friendly manner. Like Casper, only with flies coming out of its eye sockets. So if you really want to, you can skip it and just divorce your new husband right away. (Shutter)
Based on what I've seen lately, I would like to amend:
11.)Every man for himself. Man down? Leave him. Whenever you find yourself being chased by a dead, undead, or otherwise bloodthirsty creature, ask yourself this question: do you feel like dying today?
If you answered no, abandon your whiny, wheelchair-bound autistic child or slutty comrade who stops to bang everyone. Because the elevators aren't going to be working any time soon and high school relationships aren't meant to last anyway. If nothing else, you might be alive to regret it later.
If you answered yes, take pride in knowing you will be the most moral person to be ripped apart today.
12.) In a conundrum? Try thinking about it. Are you trespassing? Have you killed anyone today? Did you say "Candyman" five times while looking in a mirror or release a demon from the underworld? Retrace your steps. That way, you won't be surprised when the ghosts of the retarded children from that bus you drove off a cliff come to haunt you on Halloween.
13.) If a knife doesn't kill it, a gun probably won't either. If a gun doesn't kill it, your fists, legs, and teeth most assuredly will not.
14.) If you're already chained to a bed, don't bite the crazy doctor. You will end up being the middle of the human centipede. If he's holding a scalpel, try to look up how to say "I would love to participate, provided you don't sew my mouth to anyone's asshole" in the German phrasebook.
15.) Moving is usually a good solution. Flesh-eating bacteria running rampant in your town? Move. Poltergeist in your TV? Move. Walls ooze blood? Move. Just don't advertise any of that when trying to sell the house. Being a philanthropist never helps.
16.) If all else fails, revert to child-like defense mechanisms. Don't open the door. Don't talk to strangers. Run. Hide. Listen to your mother unless she's trying to push you down a well. Sleep with the lights on.
17.) If you didn't leave the blinds open and the blinds are open, it's safe to assume there is someone or something else in the house.
18.) Weird, inexplicable goings-on in your neighborhood/hospital/elevator? Save everyone a lot of trouble and assume it's supernatural right away. Also, places to avoid: Insane asylums, wax museums, fun houses/amusement parks, anywhere that may have or involve needles in any way, "deserted" islands, "deserted" anything, a house in the middle of the woods, a cabin in the middle of the woods, caves, the space underneath your bed.
19.) Never sleep in the same room as a life-size clown doll. Come on. Has it ever done anyone any good?
20.) And lastly, trust no one. This includes, but is not limited to: hitchhikers, your stepmother/father/sister, tour guides, orphans, deaf people, hookers, clowns, doctors, and little old ladies.
So, there you have it. Whether you're in an elevator with the devil or considering accepting a ride home from an overly friendly stranger, you now have the tools to survive. Unless you're a slutty chick or a black guy, in which case, you should assume you're going to die first and save everyone some time.
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
I'm reasonably sure that I'm being visited by a series of plagues. My dad says bad things come in threes, but since he has no foundation for this statement, I am just going to have to assume there will be at least 7, possibly 10.
This morning, I was visited by the plague of dead betta fish. This is my second dead betta fish this month. That may not sound like a lot, but it's actually 100% of the betta fish I have owned this month.
Yesterday and Sunday I was visited by the plague of obnoxious snow. Obnoxious because it's not useful in any way, and probably never even had the potential to make anything good (i.e. school being canceled) happen. It's just kind of in the way.
Last week, the plague of complete stupidity hit and I got a D+ on my neuroscience test. This one might actually be because my professor, while a nice guy and all, is not a very good teacher. And because I'm depressed, but wouldn't you be too if you were getting hit by plagues and worked at McDonald's?
I'm also currently being visited by the plague of potentially precancerous vaginal cells and the plague of random stomach cramps.
And I'd like to consider one of the floor managers at work a plague, but I'm not sure that people can be plagues.
I'm not really sure what else is going to happen, but I welcome locusts and frogs and would prefer that none of the remaining plagues I will inescapably be exposed to be zombies.
I guess the possibility remains that I could also be cursed. Though, you'd think if I were cursed, I would just die already. That and I haven't touched any long-dead Egyptian kings' treasures lately.
In all sincerity though, I am very nearly at my breaking point.
i write too much, think too much, and don't sleep enough.